Fruit Origami

"OLIVEHHHHHHHH!"

2012-01-28T15:36:00.001-05:00

So. We love Top Gear. The British one. And we especially love one special where they drive across the salt flats of Botswana in non-four-wheel-drive cars to prove that Britons do not need four-wheel-drive to get to their homes in the Midlands.

In this episode of Top Gear, one of the hosts falls in love with his Opel Cadet.

Last night I lured the honey out of the house with promise of Starbucks. One of the baristae (See?! Easy!) had a Fiat. The honey loves Fiat. He loves all small, zippy cars that are useful. Hence the Yaris.

So we pull up to the window and he asks which one of them has the Fiat. The actual coffee-preparer claims it, and we get into a joking discussion of the problems with buying something that Jenny From The Block endorses.

Then I asked her if she had named it. And she was like "I named it Oliver." And we were like !!!!!!!! And I said, "Have you ever seen the show Top Gear?" And she was like, "I love that show!!" And then we yowled in joy and relived the excitement of this episode. I was so happy! A like-minded person!

And that, my friends, was our exciting Friday night.

Nesty

2012-01-28T11:14:00.003-05:00

WTForever 21

2012-01-27T16:09:00.002-05:00

Found this website, and thought this was particularly amusing, what with the pickle references and all:

http://wtforever21.com/2011/08/costume-post-part/

2012-01-27T07:57:00.001-05:00

Sixty Minutes, girl, it's the Super Bowl. No one cares about "the state of the NFL". Maybe you should just call it a good run, yeah?

In other news, I got on the gas company's budget plan today and halved my monthly payment. I know I'll have to pay it off during the summer, but it makes me so happy when a budget works well. I am a dork.

Whoo!

2012-01-25T12:28:00.001-05:00

Seem to have come out of the depressed/angry/crabby/teary funk I was in earlier, which is good. No one wants to hear about someone who's angry and depressed at herself for being crabby, possessive, and stabby for no reason.

I did my second laser hair removal treatment this morning. I noticed that my hair was patchier these past two weeks on my legs - hopefully this treatment shows an even bigger difference! When I'm done maybe I will rent out our laser hair removal machine to people who want to try it for themselves. I'm pretty impressed with how well it's been working so far.

As for my other new beauty item, I am a little concerned. I was using the Clarisonic every day on my face, but my skin got really dry. So I have switched to every other day. It has that ninety-day guarantee, but I really don't want to have to send it back. It feels like a face massage! Maybe I just need a different cleanser?? Hm, an excuse to spend money on beauty products!

SO. Silk'n Flash 'N' Go laser hair removal tool? Seemingly awesome. Clarisonic Plus? Fantastic but need some adjustments.

My daydreams are full of how much extra time I would have in the mornings if I didn't have to shave like an ancient Egyptian priestess. I could sleep in like a dude! Now if I could just get up the nerve to shave my head............. :)

Oh Hells Yes

2012-01-24T11:03:00.002-05:00

From Jez:

"I used to work for a nonprofit, and Cuba Gooding Jr. was one of the guests at our annual fundraising gala. He was a great sport - during our ask from the stage, where we try to whip people into a frenzy of pledging great sums of money, Cuba stood up and actually yelled "com'n rich white people, we're raising money for kids," and then actually shouted "show me the money." Plus he was totally cool and un-diva about showing up. Some celebs will come if you pay for all sorts of fancy extras for them, which sometimes we would do, but grumbling the whole way about how it cut into our bottom line (and therefore lessened the services we could offer our clients.)"

OMGWTFBBQ

2012-01-24T07:59:00.000-05:00

I know this is a piddly little thing, and I know I'm kind of an English teacher schoolmarm jerk, but it drives me absolutely CRAZY when people say "alums".

WOMEN. When it is a woman who has attended an institution, she is an ALUMNA. When you are talking about people in your sorority, they are ALUMNAE. They are NOT "alums".

I don't hear this quite as often from total school populations, but it still happens frequently enough that I'm calling out guys too. The graduates of your school are ALUMNI if there was even one dude in the crowd. ALUMNI.

But it especially drives me crazy that women do it. C'mon, ladies, I know you are brilliant, intelligent, super-duper, amazing, fantastic people. Can we please use the right word to describe our sisters?

(Although it occurs to me as I write this that using the "word" alums is a way to make the Latin gender-neutral. In which case, carry on, and I'm a jerk. If it's used as a shortcut, I guess I kind of understand that too. But it seriously drives me crazy.)

/end rant

Put The Smack Down, Judge!

2012-01-23T12:37:00.002-05:00

I love it when judges let defense attorneys know that they are not going to get away with whatever they want for their client.

This is in an article about a defendant in a case where a group of boys repeatedly raped an 11-year-old girl:

"The boy's been sentenced to 7 years probation. He won't have to register as a sex offender, but his probation does include a number of restrictions — he can't use drugs or alcohol or look at porn, he can't leave the county, and he can't have any contact with the victim. This is a stiffer sentence than the county attorney had recommended, but the judge said, "I've already determined that there needs to be punishment in this case. I am not following the recommendations. You don't come in here thinking that (the plea agreement) is tied together with a nice bow."

Also, This

2012-01-23T10:59:00.001-05:00

In my never-ending quest to share everything with the honey that makes me laugh, I made him read this:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dogs-dont-understand-basic-concepts.html

and we laughed until we cried. I was literally sobbing and the dog kept looking confusedly up at us, not knowing whether to kiss my face to make me stop crying or to run around like a crazy beast because we were laughing so hard. The simple dog reminds me SO very much of our little Radar.

Weekend, Glorious Weekend

2012-01-23T10:42:00.003-05:00

We had a pretty fantastic weekend. It was quiet but good.

On Saturday I had a bunch of errands to run that I did NOT want to do. I realized I could skip dog food till Monday night, and most of the other errands needed more before I could do them. For instance: I couldn't take shoes back to DSW till I knew whether I wanted to keep any of them. And I just plain didn't feel like going to the art supply store. I had to go buy items to make Aunties' Christmas presents, and one of the things I bought was some "AquaBord" to paint a watercolor painting. It's a special type of smooth surface, like chalkboard almost? that is supposed to be good for watercolor. One of my aunts has a pet robin, and I was going to paint a robin. But then we decided it might not be great - we didn't know if the robin was still around, and didn't want to make her feel sad if her robin had gone away. AND I thought it was $14 but it was $30, AAAAND the chick at the art supply store was a total bag, so screw her. But that's a Catch-22, because I want to return it but don't want to have to deal with her. The honey reminded me once not to be butthurt about the art supply store employees because they're not working there to help art people, they're working there for the discount. That helps to think about when I ask about a price on a hard-sided portfolio and she's all like, "Wulllll, I'd have to go back there and look.... the prices are right on them...." Gawl.

SO. Instead we went to Old Navy to replace my parjammers. I have some pajama pants from 1998 which are very....slouchy. As in, the elastic in any given item of clothing is not meant to last fourteen years, countless washings, several cross-country moves...you get the point. I looked like the Coppertone kid walking around in those. TMI? Sorry. Apparently it's my M.O. right now.

We made out great at Old Navy, but had to beat feet because the bitches were throwing elbows. We were in a ritzier suburb, where apparently everyone is so up their own asses that they can't be called upon to slow for pedestrians or not ram into you without apology in a store. God, I miss the Midwest. I'm really amazed that in this Vowel State, you can't count on people to hold doors or not barge in front of you or run you down unapologetically. Scary.

Anyway. One of the fleece shirts I got was a dollar fifty. That's right, girls, The Super-Shopping Kid rides again. Dolla. Fitty.

Then we bought doughnuts on our way home, which we gleefully consumed yesterday while watching the football championship game. We went to our new favorite "Cheap Chinese" place that we found by accident last weekend, gassed up the suv, and came home. It was a nice, relaxed weekend that helped prepare us (hopefully) for the week (hopefully not insane?) ahead. Hope you had a good one too!

PS: I already filed my tax returns and I am haunting the IRS website like I was a hologram in a Florida theme park.

Let's Talk For A Minute

2012-01-19T15:12:00.000-05:00

I am just reading Not Always Right, and there were three stories right in a row where people were outraged when they were clearly in the wrong. One lady wanted to return a shirt without a receipt that was no longer in the system because it had been out of the store for so long. Are you serious with this?

When I used to work at Target, I cross-trained in the Customer Service Desk. A woman returned a wrist rest for a keyboard one day. It was shredded. The polyester satin covering was coming off of the gel core. When we asked her if there was anything wrong with it, she said she had had it for a year and it was falling apart like this. A YEAR. LADY. The return policy is 90 days with a receipt, unused condition if nothing is wrong with it. If something is wrong with it, the retailer would send it back to the manufacturer for credit. But she had obviously used this wrist rest copiously - I wouldn't even begin to know how it got so battered just from supporting her wrists while she typed. But she demanded a refund, and we gave it to her.

If you are trying to game the system and you get busted out, don't get mad! If you get pulled over for going 80 in a 40 and you were actually doing it, you can't be mad at the cop. Similarly, if you try to return a PS2 to Best Buy in a PS3 box, don't be surprised if they push back a little on that.

I seriously do not understand how people requesting assistance think it is their right to freely abuse the person from whom they are requesting it.

Today in Interesting Maps

2012-01-18T11:20:00.001-05:00

Correlation does not equal causation, but here are some maps. People living in poverty, people with diabetes, and adult obesity.

Things I Didn't Know About Myself

2012-01-18T10:39:00.001-05:00

My dad is the "Class Clown" in his family of origin. I never knew that his desire to make people laugh would rub off on me.

I don't think of myself as a very funny person. Having no siblings and no close cousins, I did not know how to tease or be teased. I was bookish, so I would either say something rude not knowing it was inappropriate, or not say anything at all. I am TERRIBLE at telling jokes. TERRIBLE.

But whenever I make the honey laugh, it lights up my whole world. I still remember a joke that I made one night to my friend in Colorado that makes me happy - I made up something funny! I absolutely love when I make my coworkers laugh. So apparently I am a wannabe jokester. Unfortunately, I am like a two-year-old telling a joke. I ruin the punchline, drag the middle, and have off delivery. But I still try. And I absolutely beam when it works.

Now, I don't think that I'm a jokester for the same reason my dad is a Class Clown. He is the child of an alcoholic, and that role describes him to a tee. Especially the description in the first link below:

http://www.thechildrensplaceprogram.org/indentified_roles_of_children_of_alcoholics.php

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/149246-survival-roles-children-alcoholics.html

Sorry that this post has kind of taken a turn into Bummer Land, but I also made a picture to illustrate. Some of you will recognize this style of my art - I think it's still effective. See what you think:

I'm Sure This Happens in Other Neighborhoods

2012-01-18T08:02:00.000-05:00

Actual view from our peephole.

One ladder (or heavy rescue?), one chief, one ambulance, and two squad cars. It appears to be in the far unit of the abandoned house across the alley.

Obviously it is probably something completely innocent, and obviously people in neighborhoods all over America experience one of their neighbors needing assistance from emergency services. But since that building was previously raided by US Marshals, we naturally feel a little exasperated whenever we see something like this. Especially since abandoned house fires are a huge problem in our area.

Fortunately, I have not gotten to the point yet where I felt the need to go out on the porch.

Crazy Business

2012-01-16T13:06:00.001-05:00

Distinguishing names and numbers removed, but I thought you would be amazed at the crazy plat work here too.

So. The plot his house sits on, the place next door, the pond-triangle-thing, and a tinier piece of pond-land! Was all that really necessary?!??! The honey suggested a "land hook", which combines legally all the separate properties into one. Might make life better. Good thing my dad has the best neighbors ever, because this is some messed up government documentation right here.

First World Problems

2012-01-16T11:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we were helping my dad figure out his new property. He bought the house next door, which is a giant nine-acre triangle. A triangle. Former farmers who were trying to divide your farms, you suck. My dad now has four pieces of land: the one his house sits on, a tiny triangle of his backyard that stops at the pond, a strip along a fence, and now a giant triangle to the south of him. SO weird. His county requires a certain amount of frontage and a certain acreage to divide, so he wanted my Whiz-Kid Wonder Honey to figure out how to carve a square (ish) out of that triangle.

It was balls cold yesterday. I wore my buffalo-hair scarf, my wool coat with hood, and even my very warmest acrylic zip-up thing that looks like hairy chenille. I don't know why acrylic sweaters are so warm, but I have a knit one that would even make me sweat in a Jack London novel. But alas, acrylic socks are not warm, and fake leather plastic ankle boots are not warm either.

The honey just bought new work boots, which he of course brought along to wear while he worked. He also keeps a set of work boots at my dad's house, because he is so polite that he dresses up a little when we go there but because he is also willing to help my dad care for the bison. Isn't he the best?

SO. Two pairs of boots, men's size 10. One pair of feet, women's size 7.5. Which is like a 5.5 in guys. Which no one sells. So if I get boy shoes, they have to be for BOYS. Like "Youth". Like "Kids". Which makes for some amusement.

I borrowed the honey's boots with the Thinsulate, and boy, were they warm. Because I'm a mean old bitch, I made him wear the old ones without Thinsulate. They were so fantastic that it renewed my desire to get some winter boots. Plus, I need some to put in my car emergency kit, in case I'm ever stranded on the road in winter. (You Iowans will understand this perfectly.)

I looked at the Sporting Goods store where he got his, and they had a women's version! But only in 6 or 10. Ha. I looked a couple other places, and ended up ordering some from Endless. I may feel a little bit silly in them, but if they fit, it might be worth it to not end up like some grizzled old forty-niner.

Elegant, right? I tried some amazing Sorels last year that were classy and beautiful, but they fit really weird. So I am stuck looking like a doofus. A doofus.

A Tiara!

2012-01-16T11:22:00.000-05:00

I had forgotten that Mayim Bialik was the young Bette Midler character in Beaches until I heard her bellow about her tiara all Ethel Merman-style. So cute.

Happy Monday!

2012-01-16T08:04:00.001-05:00

Kind of a weird weekend, but a fun one. Unfortunately my alarm didn't go off, so I don't have time to explain it, but here is a little amuse-bouche for you instead:

http://secretdiaryofsarahpalin.com/news/oh-yeah-first-dude-went-rogue-you-betcha

2012-01-13T08:51:00.001-05:00

PEOPLE. It is exactly the same weather, on the same roads, with the same people! I KNOW you've lived here a long time because you have the old Ohio plates with the low number that is, for some reason, such a weird point of pride for you people.

This Makes Me Happy

2012-01-12T20:06:00.001-05:00

I had to get silly for a minute, and started singing "Lunchlady Land". I really wish I still had a cassette deck, or a thingie to turn cassettes into mp3s. Because this stuff amuses me greatly, and I don't have any other way to hear " 'Lijah's Underwear".

http://www.hulu.com/watch/269722/saturday-night-live-adam-sandler

http://www.hulu.com/watch/285735/saturday-night-live-lunch-lady

Awl Mommy Blogger Up In Here

2012-01-11T13:31:00.002-05:00

Found a new blog to read back to the beginning.

Here is a sample (and, Kelly, if you see people coming from here, I hope you don't mind):

"I will be the first to admit that I am a judgmental cow. I look at your dangly earrings and cute bikini (and how the shit after multiple children you can have a stomach that does not look like a pumpkin that's sat on the porch for a month after Halloween, I have no idea) and - are you drinking a mojito? "

http://southernfriedchildren.blogspot.com

The post called "Coconutty" is especially fantastic.

Well, I'm Making Up For It

2012-01-10T13:54:00.000-05:00

Awwww. Obviously the focus of this story is on the health care aspect, but I love seeing people in love.

http://cheeseblarg.blogspot.com/2011/08/and-many-more.html

2012-01-10T09:45:00.000-05:00

That last post was my two-thousandth post. SO glad it was a witty, insightful, thorough commentary on the modern world, our place in it, and the nature of the universe.

I'm Sure You Will Find This Amusing

2012-01-10T09:43:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, when I showed the honey the picture of William and Kate, he said, "Who's that guy?", pointing to the person to our right of Kate.

I said, "I dunno. Some guy without a prince for an umbrella holder!"

He looked carefully at the picture, ruminated for a second, and said, "Looks like a guy who's about to get hit with an umbrella!"

Men must be wired to read faces differently than women. :)

Huh!

2012-01-09T11:23:00.001-05:00

http://lifehacker.com/5873829/top-10-ways-to-break-into-and-out-of-almost-anything

2012-01-09T10:52:00.001-05:00

How many people have a prince as an umbrella-holder? :)

Bollywood Breakdancing

2012-01-08T17:47:00.001-05:00

I'm Just Gonna Leave This Here

2012-01-07T10:55:00.002-05:00

Ahh, I remember watching this in my friend Amber's living room during the summer. I think we might have even done some kind of dorky dance routine to this in her backyard. Her older sister Tracy, who babysat us that summer, was super-annoyed because I made up my own version of it before the Official Video Release based on seeing one line in the teaser commercials.

Beauty Product Bonanza

2012-01-06T10:15:00.003-05:00

I went totally ape with my Christmas gift cards and FINALLY ordered some things from Sephora that I've been wanting for a long time. I hesitated to tell you about one of them, but if it works I'm going to plotz from excitement, and I figured I should share that joy. Lucky you.

I ordered this Clarisonic Plus machine dealie. I don't like the print on it, but it came with all this boss Philosophy stuff, and you know my favorite four-letter word*.

*The word is "free".

SO. I bought this but haven't opened the accompanying goodies yet. I'm afraid that I won't use it and I will have wasted a bunch of money. Like everyone does with, say, exercise equipment. But a lady at Nordstrom used this on me on my birthday, and it was wonderful. Like a face massage. Last night I washed my face with it, and I have to say it feels better when someone else does it to you, but whatever. It also came with the body brush, which will be especially nice in summer for getting fake-tan if I decide to do so.

I also bought this thing, the Silk'n Flash&Go laser hair removal thing. It's a smaller (?) version of the "Silk'n SensEpil", which is one of a few new at-home laser hair removal things. You zap yourself every two weeks, then every four weeks, then as needed to keep yourself hairless. It did not hurt at all. But the catch is that tan people can't do it, and it doesn't work on peach fuzz. So I wouldn't be able to, say, render my arms hairless, but I did apply it to my armpits. Aren't you SO glad you know that about my underarms?!?!?

I did it to my lower legs, too, and we will see how it goes. The worst thing to me about shaving is that as soon as I get goosebumps I feel all prickly again! So after I shave I feel like I have to go around not listening to certain songs and making sure I'm in a sweat-box so I don't get cold. Ugh.

Now, buying this stuff put me into "V.I.B." category, which means that for the next month I get 10% off on my first next purchase at Sephora. So if you want in on an order, let me know and you can get ten percent! Need a train case? 10%. Want a Clarisonic? 10%. (PS: the Clarisonic has a 90-day, 100% money-back guarantee.) Want to get rid of your toe hair? 10%. I'll even let you choose the free samples. Which hopefully makes up for getting insider knowledge about my dead protein strand removal methods.

Guns in Young Hands

2012-01-05T11:53:00.003-05:00

I was reading an article yesterday about the eighth grader killed in his Texas middle school who was pointing a gun at police. Then today, I saw this article:

http://gawker.com/5873298/eighth-grader-killed-by-police-was-armed-with-a-pellet-gun

Something similar to this happened in Cedar Rapids a while back. A (I think) fourteen-year-old was attempting to rob the local credit union. Cops rolled up and nudged him with the bumper of the police vehicle, he went down, and came back up with a gun pointed at them. They shot him like twelve times. Please forgive my lack of factual, pinpoint-accuracy reporting - this was like fifteen years ago and the interwebz have buried it under stories of other teens robbing other places in CR with fake guns in the interim. Who knew?

BUT my point is this. You do not point a firearm or firearm-like object at people. Period. If you have a fake gun and point it at the police, you need to be prepared to be shot. They have no way of knowing that you are not brandishing a real firearm (and in the Texas case it was a pellet gun, so it WAS a real firearm).

I am a total hippie liberal commie socialist, but I cannot support the pointing of firearms at people in any case unless you are protecting yourself and you fear for your life. Don't point guns at people, real OR fake.

The Wheel Turns

2012-01-04T20:42:00.000-05:00

Feeling better now. Finally got a Clarisonic and of course I got the special edition with the full-sized boss-azz Philosophy products. Spent some quality time with my li'l family. Had a MUCH better day at work today - coming back to the Real World was a little tough yesterday.

So the wheel of mental illness turns and we take that knowledge with us into the next trip into the rain.

Delicate

2012-01-04T10:30:00.000-05:00

So far in the new year I am feeling very exposed. I feel depressed already, and overwhelmed, but mostly I feel like my emotions have lost their myelin sheaths. Like every new minute that comes flying at me is a uranium atom that will take a tiny part of my body with it.

I know I will be okay, and I don't want you to worry about me. I just had to get that out there. Hopefully it will make things on the inside a little easier.

There Be Swearing in This

2012-01-03T07:39:00.001-05:00

The Buffalo

2012-01-02T13:36:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

So we went out into the elements today to return the things that were not right. I wanted to go to a certain Macy's because they have a Coach discount wall. On the back of the cash wrap at this particular Macy's Coach subsection, there are several cubbies for discounted purses. I found my orange purse there.

The purse that I really wanted is out of stock everywhere. No one is even selling it on eBay. So of course I did not expect to see it at Macy's.

I am walking behind the cash wrap wall and suddenly I spot my purse, in the color I wanted! I was so excited I grabbed it, forgetting that they are leashed in place. I went around around to the front of the cash wrap, and one of the girls said, "Do you want to see it?!" I said, "No, I want to buy it."

It was half off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we were ruminating upon this success, and the honey said that in this case, the buffalo jumped onto my spear, which I leaned against a tree to take a break. The takedown of this particular cheetah was completely effortless.

Now, have we learned patience from this? No, I am sure we probably have not.

Mission Focus

2011-12-30T14:49:00.002-05:00

"Mission Focus" is a military phrase that means, simply put, that a soldier is so obsessed with the mission that they do stupid things. This is how I have been lately about finding a brown purse.

Don't worry, I haven't actually been buying brown purses, but I am obsessed with finding the right one. I have purple, chartreuse, cream, cream spectator, several black purses, and a bright melon one. But I don't have a brown one. Or even tan or camel.

It's hard to find a brown purse that is either not too much like Orka's (good taste, but no girl wants to carry her grandmother's purse) or too "rustic". I can't get down with the rustic brown purses, which to me look more like a broken-down middle-aged urban Appalachian would carry. All the structured dark brown glazed leather purses remind me too much of Orka's.

SO I have been doing a hard-target search of every warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse trying to find the perfect brown purse.

And, as so often is the case, I can find everything BUT what I'm looking for. I am broken in the matter of brown leather purse.

BUT. It looks like from eBay that the Coach outlet has brown Ashley-type bags still, so I may be gettin' me one of those with my gift cards from my daddy. I happened to be carrying the chartreuse purse at Christmas and showed him what he had bought me for my birthday. He was not as impressed as the rest of us. But he's a cutie anyway.

Wish me luck. And sharp elbows.

Yeah, Right

2011-12-28T11:35:00.001-05:00

Just for one day, I wish I could tell people what I really thought of them without receiving any negative consequences.

Christmas Presents

2011-12-26T11:15:00.000-05:00

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas! Ours was great. On Christmas Eve, we went out for Chinese food and got free red velvet cake for dessert!

We had dinner (supper?) with my dad and his girlfriend yesterday. And were absolutely showered with gifts. Luckily, they both liked the gifts we bought them - I would have felt really badly if they hated the one thing we bought each of them. We got my dad a coffeemaker that makes one or two thermal mugs of coffee, and we got his girlfriend a Caudalie spa in a box kit. She says she is going on a cruise, so this will help her feel and look her best!

We received a Home Depot card from a good friend, which will certainly come in handy - we were JUST discussing the need to make it so one can't see daylight around our exterior doors!

I got the honey some Scotch that I had to order specifically from Scotland. It was featured on a television show we had watched, and the scotch-averse host said that when he drank this, he could hear angels sing. The honey was touched.

And from my dad and his girlfriend, we got the following hellacious haul:

This picture contains:

Stick blender extraordinaire with attachments.
Accompanying soup cookbook.
Remote starter for my car.
Shea body butter for me.
Burt's Bees hand salve for the honey.
Kabob dog treats for Radar.
.22 rim fire schma schma schma for the honey's 22/45 Ruger.

Not shown: the billions of dollars in gift cards we received from them.

Our friends E and A got us a giant glass drink dispenser set for the honey's homemade margaritas. Hopefully this will mean that we will be allowed to have another party at our house! E and A loved their gifts, and their son immediately started playing with the emergency services garage playset we got him. He was obsessed with the "esselator" which would raise the cars from the first level to the second. He also raced many vehicles down the ramps and shouted with joy when each gained speed and rolled out onto the floor.

SO all in all, a wonderful Christmas without any badness. Except my cold, which is slowly receding.

PS

2011-12-24T16:09:00.001-05:00

I just remembered that my goal yesterday for while the honey was at work was to organize all my papers. Did I do that? No I did not. We should all just be grateful that I managed to vacuum and wrap presents. That has been a goal/New Year's resolution etc for several years now. Bad Boo.

And In That Spirit...

2011-12-24T16:04:00.002-05:00

That SNL video is one of my favorite Christmas songs. I tried to get you one of Tracy Jordan yelling at his TV, but the only one I found was a crappy YouTube video where someone had filmed their TV.

So in the spirit of holiday joy and togetherness, I would just like to say that I am happy to be spending Christmas with a person who is perfectly matched to me, and who knows just what I am talking about whenever I say something about my favorite SNL song.

A Christmas Gift from Me to You

2011-12-24T16:02:00.001-05:00

SNL Christmas Song
Get More: SNL Christmas Song

2011-12-23T06:17:00.001-05:00

FRIDAY OFF WORK!!!!!!!!!!!

Eee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee

2011-12-21T12:30:00.001-05:00

http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/12/gingrich-comes-full-circle-as-iowan-calls-him-f--king-a--hole-to-his-face.php

There you go, my darlings. Proof that not every Iowan is a lockstep Republican eating opossum afore they go down tuh the store.

Obviously nothing wrong with Republicans per se. The problem is that on both sides, the fringe is trying to hijack the rhetoric. And seem to have been pretty successful on the right.

Heading Into It

2011-12-19T21:11:00.001-05:00

I had a shitty start to my day, but it got pretty dang good.

EPIC!

2011-12-17T23:37:00.002-05:00

You slept naked in my bed. Unfortunately, you were in the wrong apt. - m4w

Date: 2011-12-14, 11:07PM EST

Hey there, Emily?

We met last Friday morning. Well, maybe "met" isn't the right word. I believe the first thing you said to me was, "Who the FUCK are you?" That's a funny thing to say to a guy after wandering into his apartment, passing out in his bed, and accosting him wearing nothing but a bed sheet (your own, might I add) the next morning.

Before I get too far, know that I'm not mad. Actually, I think you were pretty funny. And apparently, cute. I was, however, hungover as all hell, lying horizontally on the living room couch.

Why on the couch? Well, that's where I chose to sleep (I know, weird concept) after crawling into what I mistakenly thought was my empty bed at 4am. Laying down in my bed meant risking waking you up. Which would have ended in one of two ways, 1) the worst horror movie ever or 2) possibly the greatest porno ever. I didn't like my odds. Couch it was.

Truth is, I already have a situation. A good situation, even though "my situation" lives in another state. It's so good, in fact, "my situation" laughed her ass off this morning when I told her that one story about a random naked girl waking up in my bed.

I believe you happened to mentioned your own situation, too. Only your situation, based solely on last night (and the tacky pattern on his [I assume] bed sheets)) doesn't sound like a great situation.

That said, it won't work with us. Sorry (it's not you, it's me and my over-use of parentheses). But I have a roommate, and I think he'd be a better "situation" for you. He has nice sheets and locks his door from the inside (looking out for your safety). He also had a better look at you this morning, and seemed to like what he saw despite you tip-toeing down the hall while simultaneously skyrocketing to the top of the walk of shame power rankings.

So, yeah. Let me know. I can arrange something, or you could just stop by.

I guess you already know where to find him.

"On Tenterhooks"

2011-12-16T18:25:00.001-05:00

It’s been so long since anyone has seen either a tenter, or the hooks on one, that the word and the idea behind it are now quite mysterious, so much so that it sometimes appears as on tenderhooks, which sounds as though it ought to make more sense. But at one time, the phrase on tenterhooks would have evoked an image that was immediately understandable.

It comes from one of the processes of making woollen cloth. After it had been woven, the cloth still contained oil from the fleece, mixed with dirt. It was cleaned in a fulling mill, but then it had to be dried carefully or it would shrink and crease. So the lengths of wet cloth were stretched on wooden frames, and left out in the open for some time. This allowed them to dry and straightened their weave. These frames were the tenters, and the tenter hooks were the metal hooks used to fix the cloth to the frame. At one time, it would have been common in manufacturing areas to see fields full of these frames (older English maps sometimes marked an area as a tenter-field). So it was not a huge leap of the imagination to think of somebody on tenterhooks as being in an state of anxious suspense, stretched like the cloth on the tenter. The tenters have gone, but the meaning has survived.

Tenter comes from the Latin tendere, to stretch, via a French intermediate. The word has been in the language since the fourteenth century, and on tenters soon after became a phrase meaning painful anxiety. The exact phrase on tenterhooks seems first to have been used by Tobias Smollett in Roderick Randomin 1748.

"My Next Book Is Fit or Fat."

2011-12-15T09:22:00.003-05:00

http://beautyschooledproject.com/2011/12/15/never-say-diet-askmen-com-thinks-youre-fat/

I have nothing coherent to say about this. Virginia will be better at it than me.

I Had To Let It Happen / I Had To Change

2011-12-14T08:01:00.000-05:00

“She is bright and has unfailing political instincts,” said Steve Haycox, a history professor at the University of Alaska. “She taps very directly into anxieties about the economic future.”

“But,” he added, “her governing style raises a lot of hard questions.”

Ms. Palin declined to grant an interview for this article. The McCain-Palin campaign responded to some questions on her behalf and that of her husband, while referring others to the governor’s spokespeople, who did not respond.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell said Ms. Palin had conducted an accessible and effective administration in the public’s interest. “Everything she does is for the ordinary working people of Alaska,” he said.

That sounds a little bit like another famous woman in politics..........Someone else obsessed with appearances..........

Oh, Newt.

2011-12-14T07:53:00.001-05:00

Really?! Really?!

Ballyhooooooo!

2011-12-13T10:35:00.001-05:00

I put my eye makeup on on Sunday around 11-ish. I am still wearing it today.

Yes, that's right, I have found the ultimate eye shadow primer. This blows all others out of the water.

I wore it through an impromptu therapy session (crying), through two nights of sleeping, through two showers, and it still looks the same as when I first applied it. THAT is powerful.

Now, I'm kinda mad, 'cause I paid full price for it. But YOU can get it for almost half of what I paid:

http://www.limecrimemakeup.com/products/EYESHADOW-HELPER-waterproof-eyeshadow-primer.html

Every other primer I've tried has lasted fourteen hours at most. But this stuff is like spackle. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

I don't get paid or credit or swag for any of this - this love is completely from my cold. black, shriveled heart.

You MUST

2011-12-13T07:46:00.002-05:00

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/12/11/meh-christmas/

Again With The Horoscopes

2011-12-12T08:02:00.001-05:00

You know, I wouldn't really believe in them at all except that many times they seem to magically coincide with what we were JUST talking about.

"The dark days of the past are not going to come back to haunt you, so why are you afraid to start down a new path? There is a fresh idea coming into your life, and it will be burning brightly, illuminating the way forward -- and showing you that you have nothing to fear. This is a time to trust other people, because they honestly do want the best for you. Your instincts have never let you down before, and they certainly aren't going to today."

In my case, this is the idea that all counselors might not be quite the malicious idiots I've experienced in the past, and they might even be able to help one move forward in a positive way while getting rid of some of the bad things that are weighing one down. Of course, the scary idea is this: If one de-bags themselves, will they lose part of the things that make them who they are? Does being well-adjusted mean being a bland pudding?

They're So Cute When They're Sleeping

2011-12-09T08:05:00.001-05:00

This puppy is dreaming of all the shit it just tore up in that house.

Marriage for Everyone

2011-12-08T10:05:00.001-05:00

Warning: Anti Michele Bachmann post ahead.

I was just reading this:

http://www.stonekettle.com/2011/12/uncivil-righteousness.html

And it made me think about what the marriage license application in Iowa would look like. So I went and found this:

http://www.linncountyrecorder.com/Docs/Application_To_Marry_in_Iowa_200904.pdf

And it made tears well up in my eyes. "Party A" and "Party B". You can check "Bride", "Groom", or "Spouse" if you like, but it is optional. I just checked the Ohio license application, and not only does it call for "Groom Information" and "Bride Information", it also asks which member of the Clergy you expect to have perform the ceremony.

NOW. Please keep in mind that I am not bashing the idea that a man and a woman get married in a church. I just wonder how long government entities are going to keep pretending that's the ONLY way it happens.

Kafka Dreams

2011-12-08T09:04:00.001-05:00

I had a bad dream this morning, and came down to greet my guys. I was petting the dog, and had the following conversation.

Me: "Why do puppies cure Kafka dreams?"
Honey: "They're fuzzy. There's nothing fuzzy in Kafka."

True. True.

I Am Starting To Love This Woman

2011-12-06T16:59:00.001-05:00

Regarding her stint on The Daily Show, here is Merrill Markoe:

http://www.regretsy.com/2011/12/06/guest-post-merrill-markoe-2/

Velociraptors! Classic!

And For That Matter...

2011-12-06T15:49:00.001-05:00

...A great deal of the time, I love Jez/Gawker writers too:

"Of course, sometimes shoes are rendered unsuitable by an act of God. You walk into a party and it's dry as a bone and clear, and by the time you leave, sleet. Once I spent the night at the house of a guy I was seeing after attending a holiday party with him. I showed up to the party in open toed shoes because there wasn't any snow and why not wear open toed shoes because whee!, and overnight, Old Man Winter decided to make me pay for my harlotry by dumping three inches of the white stuff on the ground. I don't own a car and neither did he, so I ended up wearing a pair of men's athletic socks, sweatpants, a sweatshirt, a coat, gloves, and black suede open toed shoes onto the bus that took me back to my apartment. Even though a few people looked at my feet and then up at me with a knowing smirk, the ride went surprisingly well. Chicago's not the most fashionable of cities; it's the urban equivalent of a big pair of sweatpants. Since I was living alone at the time, no one except my cat ended up judging me, and she shits in a box and thinks the Nintendo Wii curser is a bug for her to kill, so she can take her fashion judgment and shove it."

I love Gawker/Jezebel commenters

2011-12-06T15:20:00.001-05:00

This is from an article about possible conflict diamonds being sold in the market with permission from the Kimberley Process. Very, very bad. For reference, apparently Gwyneth Paltrow talks in her GOOP thingie about how she does so much with lentils. What follows is a grand game of oneupswomanship for who is more ecologically responsible and emotionally and intellectually grounded.

My diamond ring is made from lentils.

#alentilisforever

Were they organic?! Because it's half eco-points if they weren't, you know.

Mine is made of second-hand organic lentils. I hope you'll consider buying up-cycled lentils next time!

You BOUGHT your ring? I made mine in an afternoon from lentils I EASILY grew myself in my organic lentil garden. You should take a long look in the mirror and consider your life choices.

You own a mirror? God, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. ;-)

promoted by Jan74

This thread is full of win.

#LentilsAllUpInThisBitch

hearted for #alentilisforever... ha!

promoted by SeeKateRun

It was easy for you? I like to put at least a little bit of effort into my garden.

I use my mirror to ignite the kindling for my outdoor pizza oven so that I'm not reliant on fossil fuels. I'm guessing you're ON the grid?

Edited by ToteMcGotes at 12/06/11 11:10 AM

You find it hard? Once I'm in a meditative state from my three hour morning yoga sessions, I can pretty much fly through any task.

#YoureProbablyNotDoingEnoughYog...

Edited by ToteMcGotes at 12/06/11 11:10 AM

You time your yoga sessions? I'm in a constant state of Pranayama.

I dedicate three hours minimum, yes. It's the only way to make sure I accomplish my daily to-do list of cleaning my vintage cottage from top to bottom with apple cider vinegar and a pinecone, sending my 6 children off to school with individual lunches in bags I've handsewn with homespun lentil thread...

Ok I concede defeat. You win the goop olympics.

No, you win, I insist. And I'm envious of your vintage cottage, and envy is so not goop. Therefore I'm forced to forfeit. Also I'm picturing you as Snow White. Is that accurate?

Hm!

2011-12-06T07:52:00.001-05:00

I didn't know there were any racecar drivers that were so....erudite. LOVE the end to this video:

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Jimmie Johnson

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

Video Archive

Clarification

2011-12-03T07:22:00.001-05:00

I don't want to offend any faithful people who believe in the Bible with my post from yesterday, so I would like the chance to clarify my thoughts on it. Please understand that this is just my opinion. I am an agnostic. I believe that there is order to the universe that may or may not be due to some divine guidance, and I believe that there is something after death. I do not believe that the Bible as currently produced is a verbatim retelling of things that happened in ancient times, and I KNOW that it is not complete. I think most spiritual people are considerate and their beliefs are well-considered, and that a very loud few are giving everyone else a bad name.

Below is an idea to chew on that dwell at the intersection of belief and proof.

When I was seven or eight, I described a similar theory to this to my grandparents:

I like this theory because it creates room for more than one path of belief/knowledge. It is similar to this one:

http://quite-gone-jerry.blogspot.com/2006/12/donut-theory-of-universe.html

Another similar idea to this: Imagine you are a mouse in a field. How does that field look to you? Huge beyond imagining, right? That is how the universe looks to us, and every time we find out something else about it, we find at least one more thing we don't know how to explain. Now imagine that you are a giant standing in that same field. Suddenly the field, from your perspective, is not quite as unconquerable. It's the same field (time), but from differing perspectives it has completely different practical parameters.

The sad thing, to me, is that Michele Bachmann going to these places like UNI and saying these things is very likely to make many people think all Iowans are braindead rednecks, and we all know we just aren't. The people I know AREN'T religious zealots - they are, as I said before, intelligent, kind, reasoning people with lots of common sense. Now, it might be a self-selecting group for me, as I tend to avoid people carrying their own container for lye-and-fat-based cleaning products. :)

I sincerely hope that everyone understands that my recent posts on "Theory" vs. "Scientific Theory" are not intended in any way to attack people who believe in Christ. I am simply concerned that people like Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are leading conservative Americans down a path that will end with glorified ignorance and violence in the name of God. Which I think we can all agree is a bad, bad thing.

Theory Vs. Scientific Theory

2011-12-02T14:01:00.001-05:00

In a post on Immoral Minority, I was particularly caught by the following passage:

"A student from Bancroft, Iowa, who identified himself as a Catholic, explained to Bachmann that there was big difference between a "theory" like intelligence design and a "scientific theory" like evolution. "The idea of creationism by an intelligent designer is not scientific," he said. "It is pseudo-science. There is no hard evidence that says that God created Earth. There is nothing like that. Whereas, we have physicists, chemists, biologists, many other people in the science field that say this is how the Earth was created, this is how the universe was created. ... How can you say that creationism can be taught in a public school where this would actually increase the combining of church and state?"

And Bachmann's response to this very bright young man?

"I think what you are advocating for is censorship on the part of government," Bachmann replied. "I want all facts on the table. ... Why would we forestall any particular theory? Because I don't think that evolutionists, by and large, say that evolution is a proven fact. They say that this is a theory as well as intelligent design." "So I think intellectually, the best thing to do is to allow all scientific facts on the table and let students decide."

And then this one as well:

"Should Astrology be taught in the same classroom as Astronomy? Should Dianetics be taught alongside Psychology? How about teaching stork based childbirth alongside human procreation?"

???

2011-12-01T09:27:00.001-05:00

Does this girl look....strange to anyone else? She kind of looks like a human version of an elf from the "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" cartoon.

Yeahnnno.

2011-12-01T09:25:00.001-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/reagan-shooter-wants-more-time-outside-hospital-080645764.html

2011-11-30T23:30:00.001-05:00

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ooh Yeah!

2011-11-30T23:02:00.001-05:00

From a review of the new Marilyn biopic:

"My Week With Marilyn frames the period of time when Marilyn Monroe (Michelle Williams) came to Britain to film The Prince and the Showgirl with Sir Laurence Olivier (Kenneth Branagh)."

That is perfect! The other day when we watched Dead Again, I was thinking about how Branagh was channeling Olivier.

See:

I Love You, Daniel Craig

2011-11-30T22:44:00.001-05:00

RE: the Kardashians:

"I think there's a lot to be said for keeping your own counsel. It's not about being afraid to be public with your emotions or about who you are and what you stand for. But if you sell it off it's gone. You can't buy it back—you can't buy your privacy back. Ooh I want to be alone. Fuck you. We've been in your living room. We were at your birth. You filmed it for us and showed us the placenta and now you want some privacy?

Look at the Kardashians, they're worth millions. I don't think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them. You see that and you think 'you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions.' I'm not judging it—well, I am obviously."

He is so frigging awesome.

2011-11-30T22:41:00.001-05:00

WHY am I so crazy emotional today?? I cried at a Folger's commercial, for God's sake!

PS

2011-11-30T07:51:00.001-05:00

Betty White is EIGHTY-NINE, y'all.

Fuhgeddaboutit

2011-11-30T07:50:00.001-05:00

If you go see New Years Eve or whatever that is, I just don't know what to say to you.

2011-11-28T06:04:00.001-05:00

List of movies we watched this weekend:

The Town
Battle: Los Angeles
Dead Again
Shrek Forever After
Despicable Me
Inglourious Basterds
Green Zone
Clash of the Titans (2010)
Megamind
Mallrats

We did NOT, however, watch Crossroads, Back to the Future, City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold, or any suchlike. I taped Mansfield Park, the Gus Van Sant Psycho, Date Night, and the Twilight movies to watch when the honey is doing other things.

Bull

2011-11-27T18:20:00.001-05:00

Non-lathering 'cream shaves' do not work for shit. And don't let the women's shaving aisle at the grocery store tell you differently.

2011-11-26T12:20:00.001-05:00

http://thefluffingtonpost.com

Crazy Business

2011-11-23T21:17:00.001-05:00

I saw the weirdest thing this afternoon. It wasn't so much weird what I saw, it was more the way I saw it.

I saw a girl bouncing across the street in gym clothes with a gym bag. She was so happy! She was on her way to the gym (obviously), and she was jazzed. Looked like she might be going to yoga.

There's a homeless guy waiting on the corner, kind of huddled up against the building. I watch her turn and listen to what he was saying. She had to get closer, and she was nervous. She gestured that she didn't have any money - she was wearing yoga capris. As she walked away, all the bounce was gone from her step. Right before she went into the gym, she turned around and looked over her shoulder. I was sad for her.

I'm still waiting at the red light, and I see a cop cross the very same crosswalk. I actually said out loud, "Turf him loose, chief!" I don't know what I really wanted the cop to do, but I was kind of mad at that dude for scaring that girl. The cop gave him the dirty eye, and kept walking past the corner. The guy turned and watched the cop walk down the street, pivoting on his toes like a cartoon character sneaking.

It was just all so crystal-clear, with everything happening like it was a movie. I don't know if I've ever had that happen before. It was unbelievably theatrical.

2011-11-22T19:06:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry, but those Garmin commercials with the alternate lyrics to "Carol of the Bells" are the best. SO amazing.

And, as a postscript, may I just say that the bell-ringing Hershey's Kisses commercial that came right afterward charmed me since it was the exact same one they've shown at Christmas for twenty years.

RE: Michele Bachmann's Intro Song on Fallon

2011-11-22T16:55:00.001-05:00

Intro songs for some other GOP notables:

John Boehner: "Man of Constant Sorrow" by The Soggy Bottom Boys
Herman Cain: "Oops! I did it Again" by Britney Spears
Newt Gingrich: "Heart Attack and Vine" by Tom Waits

If you've got any more, post in the comments!

Mitt Romney: "Ain't too Proud to Beg" by The Rolling Stones

Ron Paul: "Nobody's Listening" by Linkin Park
Santorum: "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings.

promoted by MizJenkins

Just for you, I'll go with Ron Paul: "Carried Away" by Television.

John Boehner "Tears of Clown" by um ... Smoky Robinson?
Sarah Palin "Lies, lies, lies" Thompson Twins
John McCain "Don't You Forget About Me" Simple Minds

That Being Said totally deserves a star for Santorum, sir. I choked on my beverage. I hope Gawker is reading this.

For Perry, I'm trying to think of a song about a closeted murderous cowboy with a pill-induced memory problem, but I'm blanking.

Rick Perry: "Macho Man" by the Village People

Jon Huntsman: The Who's "Who Are You?"

promoted by atlasfugged

Rick Perry: "Because I Got High" by Afroman.

Object Lesson

2011-11-22T11:28:00.001-05:00

Some of the people who work in my huge downtown office building need to go be pizza delivery people for a few years.

Today around lunchtime I went to check the mail, and into the elevator popped a delivery guy. The other lady in the elevator asked him if he was busy, and he said yes. Then I surmised that tomorrow he would be slammed. And we all discussed the phenomenon by which people do NOT want to do anything right before Thanksgiving, especially cook. Even if by 'cook', what they actually mean is 'warm in microwave' or 'go to building cafeteria'.

Then he said, "Funny, usually I don't want to do anything on Thanksgiving." And the other lady said, "Well, then, you can take a pizza home with you for Thanksgiving!" And he said, "I'll have a Pizzagiving!" in a cheery voice as they exited into the lobby. I busted out laughing as he wished us a Happy Thanksgiving and walked out into the drizzle.

So for all the miserable, cranky, socially-inept doofi who work in office towers across this great nation, consider this: perhaps the people who have objectively suckier jobs than you are way more fantastic and fun to be around than you. Consider that when someone moans, "Another day, another dollar," and you yowl back, "Another day, another dime, more like!" Your life is not that hard. Come talk to me when you make a quarter tip delivering $40 worth of food in the rain in your beater that you have to pay to gas up. Be cranky then.

The Dealership is NOT Evil?

2011-11-21T10:31:00.001-05:00

Last Friday when my momma was visiting, my front left tire was making a sound like something was dragging by the door - like there was a plastic bag or something stuck in the door. I intended to look, but promptly forgot all about it. Until this weekend, when braking resulted in a sound like plastic parts were dragging under the nose of the car. We drove home with one of us in a panic on Saturday night - I will leave it to you to guess who was panic-stricken and who was calm and collected. I made an appointment to have the brakes checked at the nearest Toyota dealer - it was quoted at $27.95 for a brake check. Not exactly bucking the expectations, guys. A full brake service was listed at $329.99. GAH.

So, armed with newly-printed coupons, we forged our way to the dealership yesterday. The guy insisted it was the ABS. No, I asserted, it was not the ABS. I know the difference. So he sent me for a test-drive with the mechanic. The mechanic, too, posited that it might be the ABS, and stomped the brakes in a puddle after making sure I was buckled in. Not the ABS.

We couldn't duplicate the sound, so he agreed to put it on the lift to look under there. Nothing. Pads are good, discs are good, CV boot is intact, rubber collar on the shocks are intact, plastic cover on the undercarriage is intact - it all looked brand new. I was glad he let me stay back there, since some repair places don't allow customers in the work area. I told him about my weird vent issue, where the floor-only selection results on being gushed by hot air out of the upper vents. I learned something - he said there are little motors that open and close the vents' ducts, and that sometimes the nylon gears in those get damaged or jammed. WOW. I never imagined that car air vents could be so complicated. His mom lives one street over from us. He was very nice, and didn't treat me like silly-blonde-girl-who-doesn't-know-anything-so-let's-take-her-cash.

And THEN. Here is the best part. He didn't charge me!!!! I was so thrilled! I am pretty sure he just gained a client for life.

I know. I'm as shocked as the next cheap bastard that I fell in love with a dealership. But it happened.

I Almost Spit Out My Water

2011-11-18T16:12:00.001-05:00

Trick And/Or Treat

RETAIL | WESTMINSTER, CO, USA | CHILDREN, PARENTS

(It’s getting close to Halloween. I’m doing my daily duties when I hear a woman talking to her son.)

Son: “Mom, can we get these candies for Halloween?”
Woman: “No! For the last time, we are not getting candy!”
Son: “Why not?!”
Woman: “I’m a teacher. Our house will get TP’d whether we have candy or not!”

Bloooerareagarergeh

2011-11-18T15:29:00.001-05:00

Or some such vomit noise. This made me laugh SO HARD.

http://www.finslippy.com/blog/this-is-disgusting-but-also-amusing-i-hope.html

Aha! Moment

2011-11-18T10:47:00.001-05:00

I just realized that if I had bought this coat

in 2007 like I wanted to, I would have gotten too fat in 2009 to wear it.

So I'm really glad I didn't force us into a really bad situation in order to have something useless sitting in the closet. I think we both would've been mad about that.

Going back and reading about the Fur-Shitting Incident was fun, though.

LEARNIN'!

2011-11-17T19:45:00.001-05:00

I learned some interesting things tonight. One, that Rice Krispie treat is the stickiest substance on Earth. And two, that Pam sprayed on hands will allow one to press said treats effectively into the pan. Nice!

I'm Sorry

2011-11-17T12:26:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry, but when you do something twenty-five times in four years to people, you do NOT get to be mad when someone else does the same thing to your friends.

WHICH Brings Me To Another Point

2011-11-15T14:56:00.001-05:00

I thought about this one day while I listened to newly-downloaded Aerosmith songs from the 90s: my idea of love as a teenager came entirely from late eighties/early nineties rock songs.

I read everything as a kid, but what I liked best were mostly The Babysitters' Club books and, for a while, Sweet Valley books. The occasional YA novel, some Anastasia Krupnik, yadda yadda yadda. The only romance in any of those books was fuzzy, indistinct, and entirely without physical contact beyond possibly holding hands.

Then I hit thirteen.

So, imagine that you know nothing of romantic love besides the collected works of Def Leppard, Aerosmith, Guns N Roses, and Warrant. Sure, I got Mariah Carey, En Vogue, and Madonna in there too, but most of the message I got was that love is rough.

Take this, for example:

"Now there's not even breathin' room
Between pleasure and pain
Yeah you cry when we're makin' love
Must be one and the same."

Or this:

"You turn it on
Then you're gone
Yeah you drive me
Crazy, crazy, crazy
For you baby"

It's interesting that I thought love was so hard. The divorces of the parents of everyone I knew didn't really change the emotional landscape, either. I thought that as long as it was fifty-one percent okay, it didn't matter that it was forty-nine percent utterly miserable. Which led me to stay with some bad boyfriends waaaaaaaaaay longer than I should have.

Now, obviously I'm not saying that we shouldn't let our young teenagers listen to what's popular on the radio, and this is certainly not a diatribe against hair bands. But even before we got to "Better Man", the idea that romance is death seemed to be the zeitgeist of the age. Weird.

So the idea that Bella fixates on Edward through thousands of pages' worth of horrible treatment of her, the idea that she (SPOILER ALERT) attempts suicide over him, the idea that he is the only person she will ever love makes sense when framed in that kind of mindset. I know much has been said about the fact that these are juvenile-ly written books for girls hitting about fourteen, and I'm not going to recover that ground. I just find it interesting that that seems to be the peculiar bailiwick of the early-teenaged girl in America, no matter what the era.

Snort

2011-11-15T14:55:00.001-05:00

Even though I (eek) liked the books, this blog makes me laugh.

I'm One Step Ahead of You, Horoscope!

2011-11-15T07:46:00.001-05:00

Cancer (6/22-7/22)

You can afford more than you think you can afford right now, so feel free to be extravagant with your resources! This includes not only money but also time -- schedule more time to be with the people you love, and just hang out. Don't plan things down to the minute; let events flow naturally, and try not to form expectations. On the money side of things, go out and get that gadget you've had your eye on for a while. As long as it's not an impulse buy, you should be fine.

Ha! Good thing I bought a Keurig coffee maker yesterday! Since I've only wanted it for two years, I think we can rule out the "impulse buy" thing.

Insert Jon Stewart laughing like George W. Bush here.

Weekend!

2011-11-14T16:48:00.001-05:00

Mah momma came this weekend! Friday night we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner, and then opened Christmas presents. Saturday my mom and I went shopping at a ritzy strip mall while the honey did laundry at home. Yesterday we went to the local flat-pack furniture store. I would show you a picture of the kitchen we agreed on, but for some reason I'm having lots of trouble finding good pictures online. We got dinner last night from a local wing place, which was awesome, and this morning I dropped my momma back off at the airport. It was a really fun trip - equal parts relaxing and exciting. I was happy to see her, and the weather even cooperated!

Aw, Now I Feel Less Frustrated With My Guidance Counselors!

2011-11-11T06:50:00.001-05:00

So, here's the thing. You have to go to college. Your parents told you that, I'm telling my kids that. Every high school teacher you have or had told you that. ("You don't want to wind up flipping burgers, do you?")

And they're not wrong; if I'm an employer looking at 200 applications to fill one job, and 50 of them have bachelor's degrees, those are going to be the ones I move to the top of the pile, even if the job is that poor bastard who shakes a sign outside of Little Caesars.

The problem is that we've sort of set you up to think that after high school, the next step is college, and after that you just jump in and start working at the job you went to college for. We kind of implied that this "college to job" transition is as natural and orderly as "high school to college." That is, if you get the right grades, you "graduate" to it. That's not true, and it's our fault that so many of you think that.

Photos.com
"A master's in psychology? Pretty impressive. How would you say that qualifies you to answer the phone?"

See, our parents told us that because they didn't actually know. As a generalized whole, they didn't go to college. You have to realize how recent the whole "everybody goes to college" thing really is. It was only two generations ago that college educations were rare -- in 1950, less than 10 percent of adults had bachelor's degrees (hell, only half even graduated high school). People back then were less mobile and more likely to stay in the town where they were born. That meant that their options were limited; men joined the military, or went to work at the local factory/warehouse/whatever was hiring. Women got busy having babies and being waitresses/secretaries/whatever was hiring. College was something that smart kids and people with money did. And they probably thought those college kids had a free ticket to a nice job in an air-conditioned office.

I Just...

2011-11-10T13:15:00.001-05:00

I didn't know that we were opening up the world of branding to this type of symbol. Interesting!

2011-11-09T10:39:00.001-05:00

Good Job, Guys

2011-11-08T07:23:00.003-05:00

At least they got it right the second time? Unfortunately, they ran out of paint. WAA-WAAAHHHH.

Lonely couch. Sad couch.

Sundogs?

2011-11-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

I am having some kind of problem, you guys. I have been all teary this weekend. And I just almost cried reading how Heather Armstrong ran the New York Marathon. It's not a full moon, it's not hormones, it's been sunny...I don't know what my problem is! But last night watching the Pixar Shorts clip show, I cried at all the usual ones and some new ones that I hadn't seen yet! It was pretty ridiculous. I cried at the honey's discussion on what he thinks the government should provide to veterans upon separation. So even though crying at that stuff is nothing new, it still seems really strange that I should be stranding on this weird island for no reason at all.

Ha.

2011-11-07T09:31:00.003-05:00

I took a picture of the abandoned house next door last night - the fence has "Blood" graffitied on it, but it is spelled with only one O. It's pretty funny.

But then my computer's battery died. So you will have to wait. BUT as a bonus, you will also get to see the forlorn couch piled with leaves. So special.

Really, our neighborhood has gotten a TON better in the eight years we have lived there. But it's not as good as it could be.

Just Watch This.

2011-11-05T12:20:00.001-04:00

Commentary below the cut to prevent spoilers.

First of all, let me just say that I was yowling watching this video. Thank God the dog was the only other person in the house. Um, you know what I mean.

Second, I can personally attest to the pumping thing. When Radar vomits, he definitely does the same thing. It honestly looks like a dog-shaped handpump.

Third, my grandmother had this happen to her. What you do is this: Get a can of corned beef hash. One presumes a can of dog food would work too, but for some reason Orka and Papa had cans of corned beef hash in their pantry. Put the hydrogen peroxide in the corned beef hash (or whatever dog-priority food you have chosen). I think their vet told them to just use a capful, but I could be totally wrong on that. But when he started to say this, I was so excited to hear that this is still the advice they give!

In one more disgusting dog digestion story, let me tell you this one: One year at Christmas, my grandmother's dogs ate a whole plate of her homemade fudge while we were all out, and she had to do this. Then, a day or so later, their yellow Lab Baylee at a whole rye bread. She was, for lack of a more delicate word, very constipated. She walked around for two days with her forehead all wrinkled, like she was just being tortured. Finally one day she came in looking happy and very relieved. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Dogs.

Hell YES!

2011-11-04T10:29:00.002-04:00

This is a letter written to the Anchorage Police Department by Shailey Tripp, the woman who claims to have had an affair with Todd Palin. It is polite, firm, well-reasoned, and in general it gives me hope that not everyone in this country is becoming a glue-sniffing, reality-show-watching, Funyuns-chomping, unthinking redneck eedjit.

http://malialitman.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/shailey-tripp-fights-back-against-the-apd-for-obstruction-of-justice/

Bal de Mai is a DON'T for Me

2011-11-04T10:08:00.000-04:00

I have been drooling over Guerlain's lipstick Rouge Automatique. Everyone in the makeup obsession world has been talking about it - you can use it one-handed! The texture is amazing! Schma schma schma!

I had a gift card for Sephora and a coupon code for free shipping, so I ordered it. After my gift card, it still came to the cost of a department store lipstick, which gives you an idea of how ridiculously expensive it is. Gross. But it would be totally worth it, right? I mean, it has a little switch you throw to get the lipstick out! How awesome is that?!?!?!?!

Here is the totally real research I did on it before finally taking the plunge.

The top swatch is my very most favorite lipstick ever, Clinique's Different Lipstick in Sweet Honey. I have been using this lipstick since I was fourteen. The second swatch is Bal De Mai by Guerlain. Doesn't look too much different, does it? Pretty subtle, both of them.

And the actual photo of lipstick I viewed on macys.com made them look even closer. Foolish, foolish girl. See, I love the Sweet Honey, but I have noticed that Clinique lipsticks have a tendency to pill - sort of turn lumpy on my lips as if the lipstick were a practical-joke shot that you give your really drunk friend. You know, the Cement Mixer. Bleaurhh.

THIS is closer to what the Bal de Mai actually looked like on me:

Ai ya! And add sparkle to the brightness. And then add the fact that it basically wouldn't stick to my inner lip, so it looked like my already-thin upper lip was lined with bright pink liner with nothing filling it in. Yummy.

So I asked the honey. He liked it. He's obviously blinded by love.

The other thing I hated was the smell of it. It smelled like rose water. I hate when lipsticks stink. Some smell like crayons, some smell like department store makeup counters, and some apparently smell like people from whom you would fear to accept tea because it might taste like almonds. I would have put up with it if the color had been perfect, but bah!

I will be returning it. But I was so hopeful!

Fruit Origami

"OLIVEHHHHHHHH!"

Nesty

WTForever 21

Whoo!

Oh Hells Yes

OMGWTFBBQ

Put The Smack Down, Judge!

Also, This

Weekend, Glorious Weekend

Let's Talk For A Minute

Today in Interesting Maps

Things I Didn't Know About Myself

I'm Sure This Happens in Other Neighborhoods

Crazy Business

First World Problems

A Tiara!

Happy Monday!

This Makes Me Happy

Awl Mommy Blogger Up In Here

Well, I'm Making Up For It

I'm Sure You Will Find This Amusing

Huh!

Bollywood Breakdancing

I'm Just Gonna Leave This Here

Beauty Product Bonanza

Guns in Young Hands

The Wheel Turns

Delicate

There Be Swearing in This

The Buffalo

Mission Focus

Yeah, Right

Christmas Presents

PS

And In That Spirit...

A Christmas Gift from Me to You

Eee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee

Heading Into It

EPIC!

You slept naked in my bed. Unfortunately, you were in the wrong apt. - m4w

"On Tenterhooks"

"My Next Book Is Fit or Fat."

I Had To Let It Happen / I Had To Change

Oh, Newt.

Ballyhooooooo!

You MUST

Again With The Horoscopes

They're So Cute When They're Sleeping

Marriage for Everyone

Kafka Dreams

I Am Starting To Love This Woman

And For That Matter...

I love Gawker/Jezebel commenters

Hm!

Clarification

Theory Vs. Scientific Theory

???

Yeahnnno.

Ooh Yeah!

I Love You, Daniel Craig

PS

Fuhgeddaboutit

Bull

Crazy Business

RE: Michele Bachmann's Intro Song on Fallon

Object Lesson

The Dealership is NOT Evil?

I Almost Spit Out My Water

Trick And/Or Treat

Bloooerareagarergeh

Aha! Moment

LEARNIN'!

I'm Sorry

WHICH Brings Me To Another Point

*Snort*

I'm One Step Ahead of You, Horoscope!

Weekend!

Aw, Now I Feel Less Frustrated With My Guidance Counselors!

I Just...

Snort