I'm Sorry, No.

Oh, those Boulder hippies!

I'm glad you're excited about the food you are making, guys, but I am not putting your logo on my car.

Oh And Also

Thank you to my bosses who gave it to the guy who called and sexually harassed me at work and then wouldn't tell me who he was.

"Hi, is this Jennifer?  I was just wondering if you still look as good as the last time I was in there."

Absolutely.  Terrifying.

And I Love Awesome People

Thinking about that post and reading all the comments got me thinking about the awesome people who are kind to their fellow human.  The honey, who really truly believes that women are just as great as men, the friends who Took Back The Night with us, the guy that cancelled his subscription to Playboy after attending a presentation on p0rn and sexism in society - all the parents and all the people who were raised this way and who raised their children to be this way too.  Thank you for helping women.  Thank you for helping us feel safe.  Thank you for reinforcing that that's not right.  Thank you for helping to advance society.

I obviously know that rape will never stop - apparently it's just something that some mammals do, and if dolphins do it, then I find it impossible to believe that we will ever be able to eradicate it.  But hopefully we can get to a point where everyone understands that leering, hitting, pushing, pinching, stalking, and shouting are not okay.

I Love The Internet

Trolling the blogroll today and found this fantastic post on Alice's blog:

http://www.finslippy.com/blog/on-being-an-object-and-then-not-being-an-object.html

This is a lot like the conversations I used to have with other women in college, both in and out of class.  It's amazing how much sexism still colors our daily lives.  And while it's horrifying to read the things that people do to each other because they feel entitled to our bodies and our attention/affection, it's great to see that we are becoming more aware of the problem.  But how long will it be before no one is hechando piropos at women who are going about their own lives? How long until we are really and truly equal?

L'Occitane

I used to be completely in love with L'Occitane.  They made the greatest lavender products ever.  But lately I have fallen out of love, and I don't think I will be buying there anymore.  Here's why.

This weekend, Mr. Joe C., Esquire (not really a lawyer) opined that my very very dry skin might not necessarily be the Clarisonic but instead might be the "chem lab" that was my skin cleansing products.  He grabbed my Philosophy body wash/shampoo/bubble bath that came free (FREE!) with the Clarisonic and started reading the ingredients.  Then he grabbed the other one that I paid for with my own money ("WITH MY OWN MONEY.") and started reading that one.  THEN he grabbed the facial cleanser that was free (I will spare you this time) and read those ingredients.  Suffice it to say I am a little disappointed in Philosophy, too, for being all like "We'll take care of your skin right, not like some of those other skin care companies" and then being just like all the rest in terms of science-experiment ingredient lists.

SO we went to the Aveda salon to get some good face stuff.  Which I accomplished.  And my face is doing much better.

Then we tried to go to the mall to get some bath stuff.  I went to the Aveda store in the mall, and waffled about which thing to buy.  Just didn't feel right.  So I went to L'Occitane.

In addition to the fact that the store manager looked like a terrifying old-school Addams family member, I was cowed by her superior snow job. She claimed that SLS's weren't as bad as everyone else thinks, and that they only put them in their products to make people happy with lather and to preserve the products.  I bought a lavender body wash and a baby lotion.

The baby lotion doesn't smell like baby stuff, exactly, so it wasn't immediately offensive (I hate that weird chemical diaper smell), but it definitely doesn't smell like Awesome Professional Woman prepared to Take on the World and Get Things Done.  So I decided I wanted to take it back.  But a bell tinkled dimly in my memory: L'Occitane won't accept opened products for return.

NOW.  Let me say that I understand why they do this.  BUT they could use the returned ones as testers, like Sephora does.  There is absolutely no reason that they couldn't accept back my return, except that they can't resell it.  And I understand that they're not a HUGE huge corporation, like some of the companies whose products fill stores with more lenient return policies.  So I will keep my baby lotion that smells like pre-teen My First Perfume, and I will keep my body wash that has a horrible undertone of Lemon Pledge beneath its wonderful lavender exterior.  BUT I am not happy about it, and I will not be buying from L'Occitane again.

Also, they discontinued the lavender incense.  So screw them.

I Love You, Stephen Colbert

From 0:33 to 2:05-ish is the best part.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

In Ongoing Nameless News

Today I got called "Brittany" by a person whom I had just told my name.  I think this wins the award for the least correct name I have been called to date.

"OLIVEHHHHHHHH!"

So.  We love Top Gear.  The British one.  And we especially love one special where they drive across the salt flats of Botswana in non-four-wheel-drive cars to prove that Britons do not need four-wheel-drive to get to their homes in the Midlands.

In this episode of Top Gear, one of the hosts falls in love with his Opel Cadet.



Last night I lured the honey out of the house with promise of Starbucks.  One of the baristae (See?!  Easy!) had a Fiat.  The honey loves Fiat.  He loves all small, zippy cars that are useful.  Hence the Yaris.

So we pull up to the window and he asks which one of them has the Fiat.  The actual coffee-preparer claims it, and we get into a joking discussion of the problems with buying something that Jenny From The Block endorses.

Then I asked her if she had named it.  And she was like "I named it Oliver."  And we were like !!!!!!!!  And I said, "Have you ever seen the show Top Gear?"  And she was like, "I love that show!!"  And then we yowled in joy and relived the excitement of this episode.  I was so happy!  A like-minded person!

And that, my friends, was our exciting Friday night.

Nesty

WTForever 21

Found this website, and thought this was particularly amusing, what with the pickle references and all:

http://wtforever21.com/2011/08/costume-post-part/

Sixty Minutes, girl, it's the Super Bowl.  No one cares about "the state of the NFL".  Maybe you should just call it a good run, yeah?

In other news, I got on the gas company's budget plan today and halved my monthly payment.  I know I'll have to pay it off during the summer, but it makes me so happy when a budget works well.  I am a dork.

Whoo!

Seem to have come out of the depressed/angry/crabby/teary funk I was in earlier, which is good.  No one wants to hear about someone who's angry and depressed at herself for being crabby, possessive, and stabby for no reason.

I did my second laser hair removal treatment this morning.  I noticed that my hair was patchier these past two weeks on my legs - hopefully this treatment shows an even bigger difference!  When I'm done maybe I will rent out our laser hair removal machine to people who want to try it for themselves.  I'm pretty impressed with how well it's been working so far.

As for my other new beauty item, I am a little concerned.  I was using the Clarisonic every day on my face, but my skin got really dry.  So I have switched to every other day.  It has that ninety-day guarantee, but I really don't want to have to send it back.  It feels like a face massage!  Maybe I just need a different cleanser??  Hm, an excuse to spend money on beauty products!

SO.  Silk'n Flash 'N' Go laser hair removal tool?  Seemingly awesome.  Clarisonic Plus?  Fantastic but need some adjustments.

My daydreams are full of how much extra time I would have in the mornings if I didn't have to shave like an ancient Egyptian priestess.  I could sleep in like a dude!  Now if I could just get up the nerve to shave my head............. :)

Oh Hells Yes

From Jez:

"I used to work for a nonprofit, and Cuba Gooding Jr. was one of the guests at our annual fundraising gala. He was a great sport - during our ask from the stage, where we try to whip people into a frenzy of pledging great sums of money, Cuba stood up and actually yelled "com'n rich white people, we're raising money for kids," and then actually shouted "show me the money." Plus he was totally cool and un-diva about showing up. Some celebs will come if you pay for all sorts of fancy extras for them, which sometimes we would do, but grumbling the whole way about how it cut into our bottom line (and therefore lessened the services we could offer our clients.)"

OMGWTFBBQ

I know this is a piddly little thing, and I know I'm kind of an English teacher schoolmarm jerk, but it drives me absolutely CRAZY when people say "alums".

WOMEN.  When it is a woman who has attended an institution, she is an ALUMNA.  When you are talking about people in your sorority, they are ALUMNAE.  They are NOT "alums".

I don't hear this quite as often from total school populations, but it still happens frequently enough that I'm calling out guys too.  The graduates of your school are ALUMNI if there was even one dude in the crowd.  ALUMNI.

But it especially drives me crazy that women do it.  C'mon, ladies, I know you are brilliant, intelligent, super-duper, amazing, fantastic people.  Can we please use the right word to describe our sisters?




(Although it occurs to me as I write this that using the "word" alums is a way to make the Latin gender-neutral.  In which case, carry on, and I'm a jerk.  If it's used as a shortcut, I guess I kind of understand that too.  But it seriously drives me crazy.)

/end rant

Put The Smack Down, Judge!

I love it when judges let defense attorneys know that they are not going to get away with whatever they want for their client.

This is in an article about a defendant in a case where a group of boys repeatedly raped an 11-year-old girl:

"The boy's been sentenced to 7 years probation. He won't have to register as a sex offender, but his probation does include a number of restrictions — he can't use drugs or alcohol or look at porn, he can't leave the county, and he can't have any contact with the victim. This is a stiffer sentence than the county attorney had recommended, but the judge said, "I've already determined that there needs to be punishment in this case. I am not following the recommendations. You don't come in here thinking that (the plea agreement) is tied together with a nice bow."

Also, This

In my never-ending quest to share everything with the honey that makes me laugh, I made him read this:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dogs-dont-understand-basic-concepts.html

and we laughed until we cried.  I was literally sobbing and the dog kept looking confusedly up at us, not knowing whether to kiss my face to make me stop crying or to run around like a crazy beast because we were laughing so hard.  The simple dog reminds me SO very much of our little Radar.

Weekend, Glorious Weekend

We had a pretty fantastic weekend.  It was quiet but good.

On Saturday I had a bunch of errands to run that I did NOT want to do.  I realized I could skip dog food till Monday night, and most of the other errands needed more before I could do them.  For instance: I couldn't take shoes back to DSW till I knew whether I wanted to keep any of them.  And I just plain didn't feel like going to the art supply store.  I had to go buy items to make Aunties' Christmas presents, and one of the things I bought was some "AquaBord" to paint a watercolor painting.  It's a special type of smooth surface, like chalkboard almost? that is supposed to be good for watercolor.  One of my aunts has a pet robin, and I was going to paint a robin.  But then we decided it might not be great - we didn't know if the robin was still around, and didn't want to make her feel sad if her robin had gone away.  AND I thought it was $14 but it was $30, AAAAND the chick at the art supply store was a total bag, so screw her.  But that's a Catch-22, because I want to return it but don't want to have to deal with her.  The honey reminded me once not to be butthurt about the art supply store employees because they're not working there to help art people, they're working there for the discount.  That helps to think about when I ask about a price on a hard-sided portfolio and she's all like, "Wulllll, I'd have to go back there and look.... the prices are right on them...."  Gawl.

SO.  Instead we went to Old Navy to replace my parjammers.  I have some pajama pants from 1998 which are very....slouchy.  As in, the elastic in any given item of clothing is not meant to last fourteen years, countless washings, several cross-country moves...you get the point.  I looked like the Coppertone kid walking around in those.  TMI?  Sorry.  Apparently it's my M.O. right now.

We made out great at Old Navy, but had to beat feet because the bitches were throwing elbows.  We were in a ritzier suburb, where apparently everyone is so up their own asses that they can't be called upon to slow for pedestrians or not ram into you without apology in a store.  God, I miss the Midwest.  I'm really amazed that in this Vowel State, you can't count on people to hold doors or not barge in front of you or run you down unapologetically.  Scary.

Anyway.  One of the fleece shirts I got was a dollar fifty.  That's right, girls, The Super-Shopping Kid rides again.  Dolla.  Fitty.

Then we bought doughnuts on our way home, which we gleefully consumed yesterday while watching the football championship game.  We went to our new favorite "Cheap Chinese" place that we found by accident last weekend, gassed up the suv, and came home.  It was a nice, relaxed weekend that helped prepare us (hopefully) for the week (hopefully not insane?) ahead.  Hope you had a good one too!

PS: I already filed my tax returns and I am haunting the IRS website like I was a hologram in a Florida theme park.

Let's Talk For A Minute

I am just reading Not Always Right, and there were three stories right in a row where people were outraged when they were clearly in the wrong.  One lady wanted to return a shirt without a receipt that was no longer in the system because it had been out of the store for so long.  Are you serious with this?

When I used to work at Target, I cross-trained in the Customer Service Desk.  A woman returned a wrist rest for a keyboard one day.  It was shredded.  The polyester satin covering was coming off of the gel core.  When we asked her if there was anything wrong with it, she said she had had it for a year and it was falling apart like this.  A YEAR.  LADY.  The return policy is 90 days with a receipt, unused condition if nothing is wrong with it.  If something is wrong with it, the retailer would send it back to the manufacturer for credit.  But she had obviously used this wrist rest copiously - I wouldn't even begin to know how it got so battered just from supporting her wrists while she typed.  But she demanded a refund, and we gave it to her.

If you are trying to game the system and you get busted out, don't get mad!  If you get pulled over for going 80 in a 40 and you were actually doing it, you can't be mad at the cop.  Similarly, if you try to return a PS2 to Best Buy in a PS3 box, don't be surprised if they push back a little on that.

I seriously do not understand how people requesting assistance think it is their right to freely abuse the person from whom they are requesting it.

Today in Interesting Maps

Correlation does not equal causation, but here are some maps.  People living in poverty, people with diabetes, and adult obesity.

Things I Didn't Know About Myself

My dad is the "Class Clown" in his family of origin.  I never knew that his desire to make people laugh would rub off on me.

I don't think of myself as a very funny person.  Having no siblings and no close cousins, I did not know how to tease or be teased.  I was bookish, so I would either say something rude not knowing it was inappropriate, or not say anything at all.  I am TERRIBLE at telling jokes.  TERRIBLE.

But whenever I make the honey laugh, it lights up my whole world.  I still remember a joke that I made one night to my friend in Colorado that makes me happy - I made up something funny!  I absolutely love when I make my coworkers laugh.  So apparently I am a wannabe jokester.  Unfortunately, I am like a two-year-old telling a joke.  I ruin the punchline, drag the middle, and have off delivery.  But I still try.  And I absolutely beam when it works.

Now, I don't think that I'm a jokester for the same reason my dad is a Class Clown.  He is the child of an alcoholic, and that role describes him to a tee.  Especially the description in the first link below:

http://www.thechildrensplaceprogram.org/indentified_roles_of_children_of_alcoholics.php

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/149246-survival-roles-children-alcoholics.html

Sorry that this post has kind of taken a turn into Bummer Land, but I also made a picture to illustrate.  Some of you will recognize this style of my art - I think it's still effective.  See what you think:

I'm Sure This Happens in Other Neighborhoods

Actual view from our peephole.

One ladder (or heavy rescue?), one chief, one ambulance, and two squad cars.  It appears to be in the far unit of the abandoned house across the alley.

Obviously it is probably something completely innocent, and obviously people in neighborhoods all over America experience one of their neighbors needing assistance from emergency services.  But since that building was previously raided by US Marshals, we naturally feel a little exasperated whenever we see something like this.  Especially since abandoned house fires are a huge problem in our area.

Fortunately, I have not gotten to the point yet where I felt the need to go out on the porch.

Crazy Business

Distinguishing names and numbers removed, but I thought you would be amazed at the crazy plat work here too.

 So.  The plot his house sits on, the place next door, the pond-triangle-thing, and a tinier piece of pond-land!  Was all that really necessary?!??!  The honey suggested a "land hook", which combines legally all the separate properties into one.  Might make life better.  Good thing my dad has the best neighbors ever, because this is some messed up government documentation right here.

First World Problems

Yesterday we were helping my dad figure out his new property.  He bought the house next door, which is a giant nine-acre triangle.  A triangle.  Former farmers who were trying to divide your farms, you suck.  My dad now has four pieces of land: the one his house sits on, a tiny triangle of his backyard that stops at the pond, a strip along a fence, and now a giant triangle to the south of him.  SO weird.  His county requires a certain amount of frontage and a certain acreage to divide, so he wanted my Whiz-Kid Wonder Honey to figure out how to carve a square (ish) out of that triangle.

It was balls cold yesterday.  I wore my buffalo-hair scarf, my wool coat with hood, and even my very warmest acrylic zip-up thing that looks like hairy chenille.  I don't know why acrylic sweaters are so warm, but I have a knit one that would even make me sweat in a Jack London novel.  But alas, acrylic socks are not warm, and fake leather plastic ankle boots are not warm either.

The honey just bought new work boots, which he of course brought along to wear while he worked.  He also keeps a set of work boots at my dad's house, because he is so polite that he dresses up a little when we go there but because he is also willing to help my dad care for the bison.  Isn't he the best?

SO.  Two pairs of boots, men's size 10.  One pair of feet, women's size 7.5.  Which is like a 5.5 in  guys.  Which no one sells.  So if I get boy shoes, they have to be for BOYS.  Like "Youth".  Like "Kids".  Which makes for some amusement.

I borrowed the honey's boots with the Thinsulate, and boy, were they warm.  Because I'm a mean old bitch, I made him wear the old ones without Thinsulate.  They were so fantastic that it renewed my desire to get some winter boots.  Plus, I need some to put in my car emergency kit, in case I'm ever stranded on the road in winter.  (You Iowans will understand this perfectly.)

I looked at the Sporting Goods store where he got his, and they had a women's version!  But only in 6 or 10.  Ha.  I looked a couple other places, and ended up ordering some from Endless.  I may feel a little bit silly in them, but if they fit, it might be worth it to not end up like some grizzled old forty-niner.

Elegant, right?  I tried some amazing Sorels last year that were classy and beautiful, but they fit really weird.  So I am stuck looking like a doofus.  A doofus.

A Tiara!

I had forgotten that Mayim Bialik was the young Bette Midler character in Beaches until I heard her bellow about her tiara all Ethel Merman-style. So cute.

Happy Monday!

Kind of a weird weekend, but a fun one.  Unfortunately my alarm didn't go off, so I don't have time to explain it, but here is a little amuse-bouche for you instead:

http://secretdiaryofsarahpalin.com/news/oh-yeah-first-dude-went-rogue-you-betcha

PEOPLE. It is exactly the same weather, on the same roads, with the same people! I KNOW you've lived here a long time because you have the old Ohio plates with the low number that is, for some reason, such a weird point of pride for you people.

This Makes Me Happy

I had to get silly for a minute, and started singing "Lunchlady Land".  I really wish I still had a cassette deck, or a thingie to turn cassettes into mp3s.  Because this stuff amuses me greatly, and I don't have any other way to hear " 'Lijah's Underwear".

http://www.hulu.com/watch/269722/saturday-night-live-adam-sandler

http://www.hulu.com/watch/285735/saturday-night-live-lunch-lady

Awl Mommy Blogger Up In Here

Found a new blog to read back to the beginning.

Here is a sample (and, Kelly, if you see people coming from here, I hope you don't mind):

"I will be the first to admit that I am a judgmental cow. I look at your dangly earrings and cute bikini (and how the shit after multiple children you can have a stomach that does not look like a pumpkin that's sat on the porch for a month after Halloween, I have no idea) and - are you drinking a mojito? "

http://southernfriedchildren.blogspot.com

The post called "Coconutty" is especially fantastic.

Well, I'm Making Up For It

Awwww.  Obviously the focus of this story is on the health care aspect, but I love seeing people in love.

http://cheeseblarg.blogspot.com/2011/08/and-many-more.html

That last post was my two-thousandth post.  SO glad it was a witty, insightful, thorough commentary on the modern world, our place in it, and the nature of the universe.

I'm Sure You Will Find This Amusing

Yesterday, when I showed the honey the picture of William and Kate, he said, "Who's that guy?", pointing to the person to our right of Kate.

I said, "I dunno.  Some guy without a prince for an umbrella holder!"

He looked carefully at the picture, ruminated for a second, and said, "Looks like a guy who's about to get hit with an umbrella!"

Men must be wired to read faces differently than women.  :)

Huh!

http://lifehacker.com/5873829/top-10-ways-to-break-into-and-out-of-almost-anything

How many people have a prince as an umbrella-holder?  :)

Bollywood Breakdancing

I'm Just Gonna Leave This Here

Ahh, I remember watching this in my friend Amber's living room during the summer.  I think we might have even done some kind of dorky dance routine to this in her backyard.  Her older sister Tracy, who babysat us that summer, was super-annoyed because I made up my own version of it before the Official Video Release based on seeing one line in the teaser commercials.

Beauty Product Bonanza

I went totally ape with my Christmas gift cards and FINALLY ordered some things from Sephora that I've been wanting for a long time.  I hesitated to tell you about one of them, but if it works I'm going to plotz from excitement, and I figured I should share that joy.  Lucky you.

I ordered this Clarisonic Plus machine dealie.  I don't like the print on it, but it came with all this boss Philosophy stuff, and you know my favorite four-letter word*.


*The word is "free".

SO.  I bought this but haven't opened the accompanying goodies yet.  I'm afraid that I won't use it and I will have wasted a bunch of money.  Like everyone does with, say, exercise equipment. But a lady at Nordstrom used this on me on my birthday, and it was wonderful.  Like a face massage.  Last night I washed my face with it, and I have to say it feels better when someone else does it to you, but whatever.  It also came with the body brush, which will be especially nice in summer for getting fake-tan if I decide to do so.

I also bought this thing, the Silk'n Flash&Go laser hair removal thing.  It's a smaller (?) version of the "Silk'n SensEpil", which is one of a few new at-home laser hair removal things.  You zap yourself every two weeks, then every four weeks, then as needed to keep yourself hairless.  It did not hurt at all.  But the catch is that tan people can't do it, and it doesn't work on peach fuzz. So I wouldn't be able to, say, render my arms hairless, but I did apply it to my armpits.  Aren't you SO glad you know that about my underarms?!?!?

I did it to my lower legs, too, and we will see how it goes.  The worst thing to me about shaving is that as soon as I get goosebumps I feel all prickly again!  So after I shave I feel like I have to go around not listening to certain songs and making sure I'm in a sweat-box so I don't get cold. Ugh.

Now, buying this stuff put me into "V.I.B." category, which means that for the next month I get 10% off on my first next purchase at Sephora.  So if you want in on an order, let me know and you can get ten percent!   Need a train case?  10%.  Want a Clarisonic?  10%.  (PS: the Clarisonic has a 90-day, 100% money-back guarantee.)  Want to get rid of your toe hair?  10%.  I'll even let you choose the free samples.  Which hopefully makes up for getting insider knowledge about my dead protein strand removal methods.

Guns in Young Hands

I was reading an article yesterday about the eighth grader killed in his Texas middle school who was pointing a gun at police.  Then today, I saw this article:

http://gawker.com/5873298/eighth-grader-killed-by-police-was-armed-with-a-pellet-gun

Something similar to this happened in Cedar Rapids a while back.  A (I think) fourteen-year-old was attempting to rob the local credit union.  Cops rolled up and nudged him with the bumper of the police vehicle, he went down, and came back up with a gun pointed at them.  They shot him like twelve times.  Please forgive my lack of factual, pinpoint-accuracy reporting - this was like fifteen years ago and the interwebz have buried it under stories of other teens robbing other places in CR with fake guns in the interim.  Who knew?

BUT my point is this.  You do not point a firearm or firearm-like object at people.  Period.  If you have a fake gun and point it at the police, you need to be prepared to be shot.  They have no way of knowing that you are not brandishing a real firearm (and in the Texas case it was a pellet gun, so it WAS a real firearm).

I am a total hippie liberal commie socialist, but I cannot support the pointing of firearms at people in any case unless you are protecting yourself and you fear for your life.  Don't point guns at people, real OR fake.

The Wheel Turns

Feeling better now.  Finally got a Clarisonic and of course I got the special edition with the full-sized boss-azz Philosophy products.  Spent some quality time with my li'l family.  Had a MUCH better day at work today - coming back to the Real World was a little tough yesterday.

So the wheel of mental illness turns and we take that knowledge with us into the next trip into the rain.

Delicate

So far in the new year I am feeling very exposed.  I feel depressed already, and overwhelmed, but mostly I feel like my emotions have lost their myelin sheaths.  Like every new minute that comes flying at me is a uranium atom that will take a tiny part of my body with it.

I know I will be okay, and I don't want you to worry about me.  I just had to get that out there.  Hopefully it will make things on the inside a little easier.

There Be Swearing in This

The Buffalo

Happy New Year!

So we went out into the elements today to return the things that were not right.  I wanted to go to a certain Macy's because they have a Coach discount wall.  On the back of the cash wrap at this particular Macy's Coach subsection, there are several cubbies for discounted purses.  I found my orange purse there.

The purse that I really wanted is out of stock everywhere.  No one is even selling it on eBay.  So of course I did not expect to see it at Macy's.

I am walking behind the cash wrap wall and suddenly I spot my purse, in the color I wanted!  I was so excited I grabbed it, forgetting that they are leashed in place.  I went around around to the front of the cash wrap, and one of the girls said, "Do you want to see it?!"  I said, "No, I want to buy it."

It was half off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we were ruminating upon this success, and the honey said that in this case, the buffalo jumped onto my spear, which I leaned against a tree to take a break.  The takedown of this particular cheetah was completely effortless.

Now, have we learned patience from this?  No, I am sure we probably have not.

Mission Focus

"Mission Focus" is a military phrase that means, simply put, that a soldier is so obsessed with the mission that they do stupid things.  This is how I have been lately about finding a brown purse.

Don't worry, I haven't actually been buying brown purses, but I am obsessed with finding the right one.  I have purple, chartreuse, cream, cream spectator, several black purses, and a bright melon one.  But I don't have a brown one.  Or even tan or camel.

It's hard to find a brown purse that is either not too much like Orka's (good taste, but no girl wants to carry her grandmother's purse) or too "rustic".  I can't get down with the rustic brown purses, which to me look more like a broken-down middle-aged urban Appalachian would carry.  All the structured dark brown glazed leather purses remind me too much of Orka's.

SO I have been doing a hard-target search of every warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse trying to find the perfect brown purse.

And, as so often is the case, I can find everything BUT what I'm looking for.  I am broken in the matter of brown leather purse.

BUT.  It looks like from eBay that the Coach outlet has brown Ashley-type bags still, so I may be gettin' me one of those with my gift cards from my daddy.  I happened to be carrying the chartreuse purse at Christmas and showed him what he had bought me for my birthday.  He was not as impressed as the rest of us.  But he's a cutie anyway.

Wish me luck.  And sharp elbows.

Yeah, Right

Just for one day, I wish I could tell people what I really thought of them without receiving any negative consequences.

Christmas Presents

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!  Ours was great.  On Christmas Eve, we went out for Chinese food and got free red velvet cake for dessert!

We had dinner (supper?) with my dad and his girlfriend yesterday.  And were absolutely showered with gifts.  Luckily, they both liked the gifts we bought them - I would have felt really badly if they hated the one thing we bought each of them.  We got my dad a coffeemaker that makes one or two thermal mugs of coffee, and we got his girlfriend a Caudalie spa in a box kit.  She says she is going on a cruise, so this will help her feel and look her best!

We received a Home Depot card from a good friend, which will certainly come in handy - we were JUST discussing the need to make it so one can't see daylight around our exterior doors!

I got the honey some Scotch that I had to order specifically from Scotland.  It was featured on a television show we had watched, and the scotch-averse host said that when he drank this, he could hear angels sing.  The honey was touched.

And from my dad and his girlfriend, we got the following hellacious haul:

 This picture contains:

Stick blender extraordinaire with attachments.
Accompanying soup cookbook.
Remote starter for my car.
Shea body butter for me.
Burt's Bees hand salve for the honey.
Kabob dog treats for Radar.
.22 rim fire schma schma schma for the honey's 22/45 Ruger.

Not shown: the billions of dollars in gift cards we received from them.

Our friends E and A got us a giant glass drink dispenser set for the honey's homemade margaritas.  Hopefully this will mean that we will be allowed to have another party at our house! E and A loved their gifts, and their son immediately started playing with the emergency services garage playset we got him.  He was obsessed with the "esselator" which would raise the cars from the first level to the second.  He also raced many vehicles down the ramps and shouted with joy when each gained speed and rolled out onto the floor.

SO all in all, a wonderful Christmas without any badness.  Except my cold, which is slowly receding.

PS

I just remembered that my goal yesterday for while the honey was at work was to organize all my papers.  Did I do that?  No I did not.  We should all just be grateful that I managed to vacuum and wrap presents.  That has been a goal/New Year's resolution etc for several years now.  Bad Boo.

And In That Spirit...

That SNL video is one of my favorite Christmas songs.  I tried to get you one of Tracy Jordan yelling at his TV, but the only one I found was a crappy YouTube video where someone had filmed their TV.

So in the spirit of holiday joy and togetherness, I would just like to say that I am happy to be spending Christmas with a person who is perfectly matched to me, and who knows just what I am talking about whenever I say something about my favorite SNL song.

A Christmas Gift from Me to You

SNL Christmas Song
Get More: SNL Christmas Song

FRIDAY OFF WORK!!!!!!!!!!!

Eee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee

http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/12/gingrich-comes-full-circle-as-iowan-calls-him-f--king-a--hole-to-his-face.php

There you go, my darlings.  Proof that not every Iowan is a lockstep Republican eating opossum afore they go down tuh the store.

Obviously nothing wrong with Republicans per se.  The problem is that on both sides, the fringe is trying to hijack the rhetoric.  And seem to have been pretty successful on the right.

Heading Into It

I had a shitty start to my day, but it got pretty dang good.

EPIC!

You slept naked in my bed. Unfortunately, you were in the wrong apt. - m4w

---

Date: 2011-12-14, 11:07PM EST

---

Hey there, Emily?

We met last Friday morning. Well, maybe "met" isn't the right word. I believe the first thing you said to me was, "Who the FUCK are you?" That's a funny thing to say to a guy after wandering into his apartment, passing out in his bed, and accosting him wearing nothing but a bed sheet (your own, might I add) the next morning.

Before I get too far, know that I'm not mad. Actually, I think you were pretty funny. And apparently, cute. I was, however, hungover as all hell, lying horizontally on the living room couch.

Why on the couch? Well, that's where I chose to sleep (I know, weird concept) after crawling into what I mistakenly thought was my empty bed at 4am. Laying down in my bed meant risking waking you up. Which would have ended in one of two ways, 1) the worst horror movie ever or 2) possibly the greatest porno ever. I didn't like my odds. Couch it was.

Truth is, I already have a situation. A good situation, even though "my situation" lives in another state. It's so good, in fact, "my situation" laughed her ass off this morning when I told her that one story about a random naked girl waking up in my bed.

I believe you happened to mentioned your own situation, too. Only your situation, based solely on last night (and the tacky pattern on his [I assume] bed sheets)) doesn't sound like a great situation.

That said, it won't work with us. Sorry (it's not you, it's me and my over-use of parentheses). But I have a roommate, and I think he'd be a better "situation" for you. He has nice sheets and locks his door from the inside (looking out for your safety). He also had a better look at you this morning, and seemed to like what he saw despite you tip-toeing down the hall while simultaneously skyrocketing to the top of the walk of shame power rankings.

So, yeah. Let me know. I can arrange something, or you could just stop by.

I guess you already know where to find him. 

"On Tenterhooks"

It’s been so long since anyone has seen either a tenter, or the hooks on one, that the word and the idea behind it are now quite mysterious, so much so that it sometimes appears as on tenderhooks, which sounds as though it ought to make more sense. But at one time, the phrase on tenterhooks would have evoked an image that was immediately understandable.

 It comes from one of the processes of making woollen cloth. After it had been woven, the cloth still contained oil from the fleece, mixed with dirt. It was cleaned in a fulling mill, but then it had to be dried carefully or it would shrink and crease. So the lengths of wet cloth were stretched on wooden frames, and left out in the open for some time. This allowed them to dry and straightened their weave. These frames were the tenters, and the tenter hooks were the metal hooks used to fix the cloth to the frame. At one time, it would have been common in manufacturing areas to see fields full of these frames (older English maps sometimes marked an area as a tenter-field). So it was not a huge leap of the imagination to think of somebody on tenterhooks as being in an state of anxious suspense, stretched like the cloth on the tenter. The tenters have gone, but the meaning has survived.

Tenter comes from the Latin tendere, to stretch, via a French intermediate. The word has been in the language since the fourteenth century, and on tenters soon after became a phrase meaning painful anxiety. The exact phrase on tenterhooks seems first to have been used by Tobias Smollett in Roderick Randomin 1748.

"My Next Book Is Fit or Fat."

http://beautyschooledproject.com/2011/12/15/never-say-diet-askmen-com-thinks-youre-fat/

I have nothing coherent to say about this.  Virginia will be better at it than me.

I Had To Let It Happen / I Had To Change

“She is bright and has unfailing political instincts,” said Steve Haycox, a history professor at the University of Alaska. “She taps very directly into anxieties about the economic future.”

“But,” he added, “her governing style raises a lot of hard questions.”

Ms. Palin declined to grant an interview for this article. The McCain-Palin campaign responded to some questions on her behalf and that of her husband, while referring others to the governor’s spokespeople, who did not respond.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell said Ms. Palin had conducted an accessible and effective administration in the public’s interest. “Everything she does is for the ordinary working people of Alaska,” he said.


That sounds a little bit like another famous woman in politics..........Someone else obsessed with appearances..........

Oh, Newt.

Really?!  Really?!

Ballyhooooooo!

I put my eye makeup on on Sunday around 11-ish.  I am still wearing it today.

Yes, that's right, I have found the ultimate eye shadow primer.  This blows all others out of the water.

I wore it through an impromptu therapy session (crying), through two nights of sleeping, through two showers, and it still looks the same as when I first applied it.  THAT is powerful.

Now, I'm kinda mad, 'cause I paid full price for it.  But YOU can get it for almost half of what I paid:

http://www.limecrimemakeup.com/products/EYESHADOW-HELPER-waterproof-eyeshadow-primer.html

Every other primer I've tried has lasted fourteen hours at most.  But this stuff is like spackle.  And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

I don't get paid or credit or swag for any of this - this love is completely from my cold. black, shriveled heart.

You MUST

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/12/11/meh-christmas/

Again With The Horoscopes

You know, I wouldn't really believe in them at all except that many times they seem to magically coincide with what we were JUST talking about.

"The dark days of the past are not going to come back to haunt you, so why are you afraid to start down a new path? There is a fresh idea coming into your life, and it will be burning brightly, illuminating the way forward -- and showing you that you have nothing to fear. This is a time to trust other people, because they honestly do want the best for you. Your instincts have never let you down before, and they certainly aren't going to today."

In my case, this is the idea that all counselors might not be quite the malicious idiots I've experienced in the past, and they might even be able to help one move forward in a positive way while getting rid of some of the bad things that are weighing one down.  Of course, the scary idea is this:  If one de-bags themselves, will they lose part of the things that make them who they are?  Does being well-adjusted mean being a bland pudding?

They're So Cute When They're Sleeping

This puppy is dreaming of all the shit it just tore up in that house.

Marriage for Everyone

Warning: Anti Michele Bachmann post ahead.

I was just reading this:

http://www.stonekettle.com/2011/12/uncivil-righteousness.html

And it made me think about what the marriage license application in Iowa would look like.  So I went and found this:

http://www.linncountyrecorder.com/Docs/Application_To_Marry_in_Iowa_200904.pdf

And it made tears well up in my eyes.  "Party A" and "Party B".  You can check "Bride", "Groom", or "Spouse" if you like, but it is optional.  I just checked the Ohio license application, and not only does it call for "Groom Information" and "Bride Information", it also asks which member of the Clergy you expect to have perform the ceremony.

NOW.  Please keep in mind that I am not bashing the idea that a man and a woman get married in a church.  I just wonder how long government entities are going to keep pretending that's the ONLY way it happens.

Kafka Dreams

I had a bad dream this morning, and came down to greet my guys.  I was petting the dog, and had the following conversation.

Me: "Why do puppies cure Kafka dreams?"
Honey: "They're fuzzy.  There's nothing fuzzy in Kafka."

True.  True.

I Am Starting To Love This Woman

Regarding her stint on The Daily Show, here is Merrill Markoe:

http://www.regretsy.com/2011/12/06/guest-post-merrill-markoe-2/

Velociraptors!  Classic!

And For That Matter...

...A great deal of the time, I love Jez/Gawker writers too:

"Of course, sometimes shoes are rendered unsuitable by an act of God. You walk into a party and it's dry as a bone and clear, and by the time you leave, sleet. Once I spent the night at the house of a guy I was seeing after attending a holiday party with him. I showed up to the party in open toed shoes because there wasn't any snow and why not wear open toed shoes because whee!, and overnight, Old Man Winter decided to make me pay for my harlotry by dumping three inches of the white stuff on the ground. I don't own a car and neither did he, so I ended up wearing a pair of men's athletic socks, sweatpants, a sweatshirt, a coat, gloves, and black suede open toed shoes onto the bus that took me back to my apartment. Even though a few people looked at my feet and then up at me with a knowing smirk, the ride went surprisingly well. Chicago's not the most fashionable of cities; it's the urban equivalent of a big pair of sweatpants. Since I was living alone at the time, no one except my cat ended up judging me, and she shits in a box and thinks the Nintendo Wii curser is a bug for her to kill, so she can take her fashion judgment and shove it."

I love Gawker/Jezebel commenters

This is from an article about possible conflict diamonds being sold in the market with permission from the Kimberley Process.  Very, very bad.  For reference, apparently Gwyneth Paltrow talks in her GOOP thingie about how she does so much with lentils.  What follows is a grand game of oneupswomanship for who is more ecologically responsible and emotionally and intellectually grounded.

 SeeKateRun

Mon 05 Dec 2011 9:26 PM 

My diamond ring is made from lentils.

#alentilisforever

 Antonym @SeeKateRun

Were they organic?! Because it's half eco-points if they weren't, you know.

 Jenna Sauers @SeeKateRun

Mine is made of second-hand organic lentils. I hope you'll consider buying up-cycled lentils next time!

 ToteMcGotes @Jenna Sauers

You BOUGHT your ring? I made mine in an afternoon from lentils I EASILY grew myself in my organic lentil garden. You should take a long look in the mirror and consider your life choices.

 booter26 @ToteMcGotes

You own a mirror? God, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. ;-)

promoted by Jan74

 Jan74 @booter26

This thread is full of win.

#LentilsAllUpInThisBitch

 candysummers @SeeKateRun

hearted for #alentilisforever... ha!

promoted by SeeKateRun

 taylvie3 @ToteMcGotes

It was easy for you? I like to put at least a little bit of effort into my garden.

 ToteMcGotes @booter26

I use my mirror to ignite the kindling for my outdoor pizza oven so that I'm not reliant on fossil fuels. I'm guessing you're ON the grid?

Edited by ToteMcGotes at 12/06/11 11:10 AM

 ToteMcGotes @taylvie3

You find it hard? Once I'm in a meditative state from my three hour morning yoga sessions, I can pretty much fly through any task.

#YoureProbablyNotDoingEnoughYog...

Edited by ToteMcGotes at 12/06/11 11:10 AM

 taylvie3 @ToteMcGotes

You time your yoga sessions? I'm in a constant state of Pranayama.

 ToteMcGotes @taylvie3

I dedicate three hours minimum, yes. It's the only way to make sure I accomplish my daily to-do list of cleaning my vintage cottage from top to bottom with apple cider vinegar and a pinecone, sending my 6 children off to school with individual lunches in bags I've handsewn with homespun lentil thread...

Ok I concede defeat. You win the goop olympics.

 taylvie3 @ToteMcGotes

No, you win, I insist. And I'm envious of your vintage cottage, and envy is so not goop. Therefore I'm forced to forfeit. Also I'm picturing you as Snow White. Is that accurate?